I didn’t feel well in the morning, I didn’t even get a good night rest because we slept in the morning. It was raining outside. The dream I had was a reminder that I will never escape Jabu’s death. I was doing so well.
Vanessa was all dressed, “Do you wanna go out?” He asked.
“I’m not feeling good”, I said.
“Last night was a jump!” She seemed alright, no hangover.
“How come you’re all fresh like you didn’t sleep for a few hours?”
“Because I have a really good relationship with my body unlike some people”
“I’m really tired. I’m going to sleep the whole day”
“Hopefully recharging for tonight”
“Yeah. I had a dream -”
“About your family?”
“No, him”
“We’ve been through this”
“It felt like I was there. When he got shot, his blood all over my clothes, Richard saying he’s still alive, you not sure -”
“Let it go. It happened, just let it go”
“I’ve been doing exactly that but I dreamt about it”
“I can get you some pills”
“You think drugging myself to sleep will erase everything? It’s not the first time I dreamt about it, Vanessa. You act like I’m in control of what I dream about. Trust me, if I was, I would not dream about it”
“This is tiring. Because it passed, life carries on, no need to dwell on the past”
“A past that happens to haunts me. It’s easy for you to say because it doesn’t affect you. It doesn’t replay over and over in your mind”
“I love you but I’m done talking about this. Get some rest, I’m going out with Puleng. She’s the only one dressed”
I wasn’t surprised, Vanessa doesn’t care for anyone but herself. I spent the morning ranting to Sihle how selfish Vanessa is, she had a lot to contribute.
In the afternoon, me and Sihle went out for lunch. Sihle brought me to this new dining place called Martin’s.
I saw Metaphor but acted like I didn’t see him, he walked past us and didn’t say a word.
“I never realised how much I missed you before we got to Martin’s”, said Sihle.
“We live together, we share a bedroom and we go out together”, I said.
“I know but we’re always surrounded by people. We were closer when you first got to Johannesburg”, she said.
“You’re right”, it was so awkward.
“I hope we do this more often”, she said.
“Me too”, I said.
“When are you going to look for your mom?”
“Vanessa referred me to a PI”
“That’s much better”
“Yeah”
“What’s really going on between you and Nosipho’s cousin?”
“Thando?”
“Yes, him”
“We’re just friends, I guess”
“You guess?”
“Yeah. Like, I’m not really attracted to him”
“You’re just attracted to Hakeem?”
“You guys are going to get me into trouble”
“So I’m not the only one who notices?”
“Notices what? Hakeem has a girlfriend and she happens to be a friend of mine”
“That’s tricky. I know you two like each other but as much as I’d love to see two people who like each other together, he’s your friend’s man”
“Why are you saying that like I’m going to snatch him away from Vixen? Hakeem is just a friend who happens to be dating my other friend”
I was overwhelmed by guilt. All the times I’d catch Hakeem looking at me and exchange glances with him, I felt guilty. I enjoyed his attention. But he’s dating my friend, how can I be such a bad friend?
I enjoyed lunch at Martin’s but I couldn’t shake the guilt I felt. We took a cab home, Vanessa and Puleng were watching a movie. Vixen wasn’t home though. I dragged Vanessa to her bedroom.
“What’s wrong?” She asked.
“I’m a bad friend. How can I be a bad friend?” I threw myself on the bed.
“I’m lost. Why are you a bad friend again?” Vanessa sat next to me.
“Vixen is my friend, I can’t be enjoying her man’s attention”, I buried my face in my hands.
Vanessa laughed at me, “You’re so dramatic. You need to chill. Stop creating problems for yourself”
“How would you react if your friend loved your boyfriend’s attention?”
“I wouldn’t know”
“Just answer the question, Vee”
“I really wouldn’t know because I wouldn’t be aware. You need to understand, you wouldn’t be the only guilty party. The boyfriend would also be the bad guy”
“Men are known to be dogs, she’ll let him off the hook easily. I, in the other hand, will be a horrible friend and she will want nothing to do with me”
“Girls are known to not get along, your point?”
“Vanessa, you don’t understand”
“Is this how you’ve been living your life? Creating problems for yourself?”
“No, it’s just that -”
“Stop worrying. Chill. You’re not a bad friend, you’re a better person than I’d be in this situation. If you were a bad person, you wouldn’t care like you’re doing right now”
“Really?”
“Yes”
“I’m sorry about this morning, Vee”
“You were right”
“I was angry because I feel like most times you brush things off”
“That’s what I know, you get up and keep it moving”
“Not everyone is the same”
“I had a lot of scars growing up. I fell, got into fights, got beaten up. No one stood up for me, my parents always told me to get up, dust myself and keep it moving. I’ve cried till I couldn’t. Only the strong survive”
“You never speak about your family”
“I choose not to”
“Oh”
“I’m the person I am because of my experiences. I’ve taken the biggest punch from life but I dusted myself, got back on my feet and said, ‘You hit like a bitch’. This is nothing. I want you to be strong. I wish I had someone who told me these things growing up”
“Thanks. I appreciate it”
“For real. Don’t create problems for yourself”
“I’ll try”
“Not good enough”
“I will”
“I hope so”
Vanessa left, she touched my heart. I saw the sincerity in her eyes, that very moment, she won me over again as a friend. A best friend.
Confessions Of A Xhosa Girl 